This is the first time in a while that I've finally gained my hands on one of my more "authentic" Xangas. I hope I still remember this one. I feel guilt over some of the horrible things I've said in the past. So many things just slip out of my reach so I can't easily remember. I threw out his paper cranes. I'm not sure if I kept the pen he gave me. I know I still have that pretty chocolate box he gave me once. I'm so confused. Even without the memories, I still love him. I'm still in love with him. Is it because one of the very few memories that are so crystal clear to me are his smile and his twinkling eyes. At times, I beat myself up over it. I don't deserve to be treated the way I was, and in a way, I had forced him to part from me because I couldn't take it anymore. Also, the thing with AIM. As much as I admire his dedication to college. It hurts to even think of the possibility he's eyeing someone else. I'd rather we be not with each other than for me to ever feel that pain. He can pretend to sympathize, or even pity, me, but I feel that if he ever saw a glimpse of how I feel about everything and how hard it is to convince, even myself, to not think and feel in a particular way, it doesn't budge. To keep myself from running back to him, I bite my tongue and remind myself that he doesn't care about me, and that he's looking for excuses. I can't be with him in any way, and it hurts so badly. I'm learning to numb the pain, but every time it resurfaces, I have a hard time breathing. A pain in my chest blossoms. My nose begins to sting, promising a bloated, messed up face. My eyes begin to tear. And then I begin to scramble for a way out.

He doesn't care about you. He doesn't love you. He is just using you. Turning your emotions against you. You know you deserve better. You've treated him almost as bad, but everything you can say about your feelings will never get to either his head or his heart. I love him the way he is when he isn't treating me like crap. I feel so lost and confused. I have to remind myself that he doesn't go through the same things. He might even have been playing you. What a way for depression to kick in, right? I'm scared about myself sometimes, but I'm really trying hard to try to stop it. It's like a feeling of defeat. I want to just be wiped out of existence sometimes. I, however, don't have the heart to do it. So... I stay miserable inside, but I don't project it. It's like how I am with my tears. I believe they're best expressed when I'm alone. I can speak of only the surface of these emotions. I do tell myself that it'll get better. I'm better than that. I'm older. I can be mature about this. I can try not to let the emotions overwhelm me. I don't even know what I want anymore.

Maybe that's why I'm having trouble sleeping.

T__T

>:|

iSigh.